A Man that Almost lives
Stepping into the Ring
A shadow walker, An air breather, A functional Ghost
He Walked, Talked, Touched, Partnered, Dined, Traveled and Made Love
Yet, he was not Present for it, Present to it
A Masked Man
Watching his own life move from the sidelines, hiding inside, buried alive
Soul Submersed in the dim caverns
A character constructed to become something Valuable
A persona carrying out the actions of his life
To gain what he imagined might be love
An Adaptation to an external void
His real truth a fraction of his existence, at best
Being his fullness, deemed too unsafe, too much, too controversial, too risky
A choice, he imagined that would surely lead to loss of love and connection
Connection that he had worked so hard to cobble together
Settling for small Pieces of life, Scraps of Connection and Love
Chasing people for their attention
Energetically begging for validation
Semi-successful by societal standards
A career path, A Right way, a little family
Navigating logic, disconnected from intuition
Neck up Life
All system energy diverted to Mind
Energizing the neurosis, mind mapping the environment for threats and safety
Numb to his soul, his essence, his unique signature, his powerful presence, intuition
Pain alerted him to De-Energize his heart
Learning, his heart wasn’t a safe place to be known from
Energy spent shaping/bending himself into something/someone that would be honored
A steady diet of Shame and Shoulds, Replays and Regrets
An aching dullness grew as he neared the picture of a successful life
A flatness, a void, boulders of unprocessed pain
The illusion of remaining safe from the ultimate hurt
Kept him from fully loving and receiving love
Knowing not of his deepest desires, passions or inspirations, for they had been intentionally hidden, intentionally abandoned, intentionally un-trusted.
Fulfilling his role, A role cast for him by the structures around him as a boy
The Boy that locked up his soul/his heart in a cage deep below the surface
Out of aim, out of reach, out of sight from the arrows
Where it could not be weaponized again
Wondering, could he recover it again someday?
The spiritual haunting of disconnection, of self-abandonment
Energy spent Holding up the persona, being the role
He grew weary, Tired of the performance, the lie, the shallow end
Stories too painful to face, Too buried to be known
An alternate way of life too vague and far out of reach to be realized
Who was he to have needs?
Who was he to have insight?
Who was he to desire Real Love?
Who was he to do something that mattered?
Who was he to feel deeper into life?
Life served him the opportunity to fall apart
The mask could no longer protect him,
The implosion was happening
Confronted, he met the depth of his despair
He let life as he knew it fall to pieces
And, a sense of relief came
For if nothing else – At least this was honest
The functional ghost drowning in the vast emptiness
The profound void
And, As he found his tears
He found unforeseen strength to turn towards life,
Towards FEELING
The rage, the sadness, the grief, the emptiness, the judgement, the shame, the regret
To risk vulnerability, To risk speaking, To risk confusion, To risk loving
To search for what his heart desired
In faith, that something must be essentially right within him
He chose to tell the truth
To know integrity, to feel the energy of soul that had refused to drown in the abyss
He worked to break down his walls and open to his life
Watching the persona crumble to its drawn-out death
Contacting his heart again
Meeting the BOY he locked away all those years ago
The heart age of that boy shuttered through his nervous system
Re-contacting a buried aliveness
Crying his tears, meeting his sadness, Feeling his vigor, his Joy
Grief, Sadness, Love, potential
Locked up in the depths of an Abandoned heart
He held the boy as he shook violently, fears surfacing
As he screamed in anger – At the injustice
Full-body crying as a river of generations of pain flooded out of him
An adult psyche held his Boy heart
And, He brought the boy back to life
In circle with other Men – Risking Heart living
Men Risking Love, Willing to de-construct, to know themselves
Astounded at the extent to which he had been trained to leave himself
Shame would visit and attempt to sabotage his Reconciliation
He Questioned?
Would his heart to be an effective comrade in life again?
Or, would it again lead him to unshakeable pain, social banishment, and isolation?
He chose to risk finding out
To believe in his own humanity
To find and live out his soul’s mission
And,
At times he Touched life fully
At times he felt his Faith outweigh his shame
He spoke from his Heart in courage
He made love to a woman with his full presence
He experienced walking embodied in his true essence
At times he put 100% of his being towards something
Now, as he Leaves this life behind
He is proud He chose to get into the ring
Although, perfection told Him he didn’t quite make it to the match…
A Deeper, ancient Knowing revealed the sense that…
Maybe being in the Ring Is the Deepest Humanity we have to experience.
BY CASEY DESHARNAIS
https://uplift.love/the-man-that-almost-lived/?fbclid=IwAR3VuFN-NiElDWfjSQzR5pHcmai71HY2jvgPykuWwhXM3ajNNHxlpCHWE60