Trust Myself?

Are you learning to trust yourself?

I was Brutal

In the past (And in moments now) I’ve Been extremely critical of myself

When I was persistently seeing myself through a critical lens

I was robbing myself of the opportunity of learning through my human mistakes

I was focused on adjusting/fixing/perfecting behavior

Rather than learning/ understanding/finding the root conditions that lead to off feeling behavior

I would justify my critical nature with the illusion That I was holding myself to a higher standard

Little did I know I was insulating myself in a straight jacket of fear..

I was stunting my growth

I feared that a misstep would lead to me being alone

I was under the illusion I could protect myself

I held on tight to control

To control myself

To control how other perceived me

To control how much I was needed

My wound  would project that I wasn't wanted by those around me

So my response was to find ways to be needed- 

To avoid abandonment

I was not looking at my pain

I was constantly reacting from it

And I didn’t even realize it

The irony was that I was constantly immersed in simmering pain

I didn’t know how to let go of or move through

How to trust what was beneath my held breath

My Humanity

My birthright to experience life as it comes

To trust that life is wise

And I’m equipped with the wisdom to meet it- 

Not to steer it, but to ride with it

If I'm controlling and judging I know I'm in my wound